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Thursday, June 15, 2017

We Can’t Do That, it’ll Open Pandora’s Box…

Pandora’s box is going to be sitting there whether you open it or not. Pandora’s box is going to have what it has inside whether you open it or not. Avoidance is not a a coping strategy.

Friday, June 9, 2017

I Deserve Better Therefore…

The modern definition of the word “deserve” means to do something or have or show qualities worthy of reward (or punishment).

I’m not a big fan of the word “deserve,” in fact, I almost hate it, it kinda pisses me off, and I wish we would limit its usage along with the overused words "awesome," "amazing," and "like" (opinionated much, Josh? :) )

When one “deserves” for doing something good (deserving for doing something bad is another story), often it comes with expectations: “I got good grades, so I deserve…,” “I cleaned the whole house, so I deserve…,” "I was the top salesperson, so I deserve…"


Except unbridled expectations are the seeds of pain and disappointment.

So where am I going with this???

Let’s get back to that word “deserve.” I gave you the modern definition but the word is derived from a middle English word that was derived from the Old French deservir, which was previously derived from the Latin deservire, which means to “serve well or zealously.”

Oh snap… I like that—a lot! So when you deserve you should be “serving well or zealously” … without expectation. There is no mention of worthiness of reward or punishment or anything else. It seems like we should be serving others without expectation anyway. If we serve and something is agreed upon in advance—a barter, a sale, a piece of recognition; then cool.

But if we serve and expect reward without clear definitions or when the gift of service is or should be the reward… then all we deserve is the disappointment we receive.

So… I'mma deservire-ing instead deserving when the situation warrants (which is probably pretty damn often).

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Keeping up Appearances: One of the Worst Ideas Ever and The Kiss of Eventual Death

Let’s say you’re incredibly smart or knowledgeable in something specific, or maybe you have an inflated ego (don’t we all, ha!).

And what if: your student taught you a lesson, your child instructed you on something important, your so-called reviled enemy rightfully corrected you when you needed it? Would you resist learning the lesson, the instruction, the correction; just because the person doing it is of a perceived lower status than you?

What if you reached out for help and the only helper available was your student, child, or reviled enemy? 

I’ve been on both sides of these scenarios: the student/child/“enemy” and the one in need of some knowledge and learning. On the former, it hurts to see someone go through unnecessary pain because they would never take advice from a damn kid or greenhorn. On the latter, I was an ego-centric dumbass for refusing to ask a person to clarify, explain, give the definition, show me one more time; because I didn’t want to look stupid or be thought of as less than. 

I still sometimes struggle with the trap of keeping up appearances… and I know I’m not the only one.

We must surrender to the idea that: none of us have all the answers and you are not a self-made man/woman. You are the sum total of your decisions and the people who you chose to surround yourself with. And if you had all the answers, you wouldn’t be metaphorically ramming your head against a wall. 

Ask for help. That moment that you fear: “they’re going to think I’m dumb,” “the great and mysterious persona I’ve cultivated will vanish,” “they’re going to know I’m a fraud” —it won’t be nearly as bad when you actually look dumb, or your persona crumbles, or you’re revealed as a fraud because you refused to ask for help!! 

There’s nothing wrong with lacking certain pieces of knowledge but there is plenty of shame when one has no knowledge because they’ve chosen not to pursue learning or wisdom. The latter—deserving of empathy as is every human being—is a jackass who we should avoid (when the person is a repeat offender) and avoid becoming. You are the company you keep.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

On Incendiary Emails from a Friend, Colleague, or Loved One…

Take a second. Breathe. You don’t know how they actually meant what they said (unless it’s a pretty clear f^&k you… then that’s a topic for another time :) ). Respond with no emotion and be very matter-of-fact. After you’ve cooled down, then it would be the time to schedule a phone call or a face-to-face. When you finally do get to hear their voice, be straight up, direct, firm, kind, and without frustration or expectation—so you don’t put them on the defensive, making it more difficult to have a conversation with the best possible outcome.
Afterward, you’ll have your answer: “I ain’t NEVER emailing this person again.” “We can work on this together.” “I’m cutting this person off.” “I need to __.” “I need to ___, but I’m also not taking crap from them either.” This list goes on and on.

Communication in theory is simple but it’s pretty damn difficult. You’re talking two different: frames of reference, upbringing, learned habits—good and bad, communication styles, and kinds of wants and needs.

Communication takes practice and sometimes it’s painful, but that’s no reason to bury our head in the sand or to play the avoidance game. That island called Loneliness is suffocating and no place for a human being.